Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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