Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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