I just gift wrapped bread.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
