Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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