This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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