I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There's always time for handjobs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
