i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
