You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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