On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
