If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
