At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
