So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
