Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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