I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
