Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
