I wish I could teleport
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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