i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
