If that was your dad, he is hot
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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