So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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