Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
