Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
