you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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