I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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