party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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