and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
