There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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