I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
