Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
