Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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