ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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