DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
