2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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