Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
