I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
