A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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