All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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