you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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