Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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