The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
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