At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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