my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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