I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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