I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
