Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
