What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
