I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
