I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
