i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
