The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
