I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
