This is not my ceiling
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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