By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
