made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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