After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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